I don’t have much more to say about this recipe except that it is in honour of the lovely Charlotte who I haven’t seen in ages.

Ingredients (serves 2)

4 ripe pears (I like Williams pears)

2 medium bramley apples

A large sprig of fresh rosemary

1 tablespoon light agave nectar

1 -2 tablespoons unrefined sugar

6-8 slices of thick white bread, crusts removed.

3 heaped tablespoons vegan butter

1/4 teaspoon ground ginger

Vegan cream or ice cream to serve

You’ll also need an oven proof pudding basin big enough for 2 people.

1. Peel and core the pear and chop into bitesize pieces. Do the same with the apple. Place the fruit in a saucepan together with the sprig of rosemary and the agave.

2. Cover the pan and sweat the fruit on the lowest heat possible until they start to break down. How mushy you want your fruit is up to you – I like to leave to take it off the heat before it becomes baby food but baby food is definitely good too.Taste the fruit and add sugar a little at a time until it is sweet enough for you – you shouldn’t need much. Remove the rosemary.

3. While the fruit is cooking preheat the oven to 190°c and prepare the case. Remove the crusts from the bread use 2 of the slices to make a circular base and lid for the pudding. Cut each remaining slice into 3 soldiers.

4 Melt the butter in a small pan and stir in the ground ginger. Dip your bread soldiers in the butter (at this point I overcome my slight unease at the quantity of butter by reminding myself of the delicious, fortified B12 goodness) and use them to line the wall of the pudding basin, overlapping them slightly and squidging them together with your fingers. Press the base circle firmly into the bottom.

5. Fill the bread case with the pear mixture and cover with the bread lid. Pinch the lid around the edge with your finger. Cover the top of the pudding basin with foil and cook for 30 minutes. Remove the foil and cook for an additional 5-10 minutes until the top slice of bred is browned and fluffy. Remove from the oven and leave for 5 minutes.

6. Turn out your charlotte onto a plate – you may need to give it a thump or run your fingers around the inside of the basin but don’t worry, the bread is fairly sturdy. Serve the charlotte with cream or ice cream.

Because I made a terrible mistake and paid the ultimate price.

I bought a plastic squeezy bottle of Marmite.

What was I thinking Why did I do it? It is the crappiest little nugget of shit I’ve ever seen. It actually hurts your thumbs to squeeze and the majority of the marmite quickly shifts itself into an unsqueezble position, meaning you waste more than you do trying to scrape out the shoulders of the glass version. The sheer pain and frustration of operating the squeezy bottle has forced me to cut down my marmite consumption, leading to severe withdrawal symptoms and the disjointed mental state outlined above.

Despite this tragic setback I have bravely returned to the kitchen and will be posting a selection of tasty morsels over the next few days including a non-tofu alternative to fish and chips, a classic pudding and some proper up-north comfort food.

In conclusion? Bollocks to the squeezy bottle.

Ingredients for 2 apples:

2 large bramley apples

1 heaped tablespoon of vegan butter plus a little extra

2 tablespoons of unrefined muscovado sugar

1 tablespoon golden syrup

A big handful of raisins or currants

1/4 teaspoon of ground cinnamon, ginger and allspice

1. Preheat the oven to 175°c

2. Cream together the brown sugar and butter. Stir in the raisins, golden syrup and spices.

3. Use a sharp knife to cut around the middle of the apples, just lightly cutting through the skin.

4. Core the apples and place them in an ovenproof dish – a deep loaf tin is fine.

5. Stuff the apples with the brown sugar mixture and place any leftover mixture in the bottom of the tin. Dot the top of the apples with a little more butter.

6. Add about half a centimeter of water to the tin and cover it with foil.

7. Bake from 50 minutes then remove the foil and check on the apples. They should be soft through but not falling apart (mine always fall apart, they still taste amazing). Return to the oven if necessary.

8. Fetch the ice cream and the red setter. Serve.

P.S. To tart this recipe up try adding any of the following to the stuffing:

• chopped hazelnuts
• flaked almonds
• a little brandy
• candied peel
• dried cherries
• orange zest
• vegan mincemeat

Ingredients:

8 medium potatoes

2 large onions

4 tablespoons butter

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

1. Preheat the oven to 180°c

2. Peel and thinly slice the potatoes and the onions.

3. Butter an 8 inch round cake tin. Make a neat layer of overlapping potatoes followed by a layer of onion slices. Sprinkle with salt and pepper (I like this dish really peppery, give it a go) and repeat, ending with a layer of potatoes.

4. Melt the butter in a small pan and carefully pour it over the potato cake, making sure it goes down the cracks between the potatoes. Sprinkle over a little more salt and pepper and cover with foil.

5. Roast in the oven for 45 minutes then remove the foil and cook for a further 20-25 minutes until the potatoes are crisping up. Cut into slices and serve.

In theory this is a glorious celebration of vegan cooking. In practice I will be updating slightly more often than usual and probably posting some pictures of my arse. Stay tuned kids!

Oh and I couldn’t resist doing the survey. Only read on if you give a shit about my favourite kitchen appliance (spoiler: it’s a fork).

1. Favorite non-dairy milk?
Alpro soya

2. What are the top 3 dishes/recipes you are planning to cook?

efcliz’s Francesinha, vegan dad’s tofu makhani and my new baby, sticky marmite tofu soldiers.
3. Topping of choice for popcorn?
Marmite/ peanut butter and hemp seeds. Or marmite.

4. Most disastrous recipe/meal failure?
First time I tried to cook tempheh. It tasted like a mouthful of betty swollocks.

5. Favorite pickled item?
Mrs Elswood haimisha cucumbers. If only I could open the jar.

6. How do you organize your recipes?
In my own, personalised, ‘barely legal cookbook from hell’ kindly made for me by my boyfriend.

7. Compost, trash, or garbage disposal?
Compost or junk modeling.

8. If you were stranded on an island and could only bring 3 foods…what would they be (don’t worry about how you’ll cook them)?
Marmite, popcorn, peanut butter.

9. Fondest food memory from your childhood?
Harvest supper at the church.

10. Favorite vegan ice cream?
Swedish glace vanilla.

11. Most loved kitchen appliance?
Mmm, it was my magic bullet but recently it has been making a weird grinding noise so I guess my monkey shaped cookie cutter. Is that an appliance? Lets say my scales. Or a fork.

12. Spice/herb you would die without?
Black pepper.

13. Cookbook you have owned for the longest time?
Beyond Baked Beans Green by Fiona Beckett

14. Favorite flavor of jam/jelly?
Strawberry

15. Favorite vegan recipe to serve to an omni friend?
Is cum frappe vegan? If not then fairy cakes.

16. Seitan, tofu, or tempeh?
Tofu

17. Favorite meal to cook (or time of day to cook)?
I love cooking yorkshire puddings. And I know it’s not a meal but I love cooking a huge pan of chutney.

18. What is sitting on top of your refrigerator?
Some mould?

19. Name 3 items in your freezer without looking.
Fry’s Wok and Stew chunky strips, green beans from my dad’s allotment, peanut butter buttercream.

20. What’s on your grocery list?
Toilet paper. Don’t worry, it’s vegan.

21. Favorite grocery store?
I have a great grocery near my house called Yaroks where the woman has a cold and does a burp when she serves you. Buurp.

22. Name a recipe you’d love to veganize, but haven’t yet.
Apple meringue pie.

23. Food blog you read the most (besides Isa’s because I know you check it everyday). Or maybe the top 3?
Either veganyumyum or stellatex’s blog. Or cake wrecks.

24. Favorite vegan candy/chocolate?
I keep telling myself that I like Fry’s peppermint cream but when I eat one I realise I hate it. I love that dairy free fudge that comes in the yellow packet.

25. Most extravagant food item purchased lately?
A veg box from Abel and Cole and a massive meal at Saf.

26. Ingredients you are scared to work with?
Melted chocolate makes me nervous and kohlrabi makes my sphincter twitch.

Happy now you load of pervs?

For the first three years of my time at primary school we had beautiful school dinners – home made chips, stew and fresh gingerbread. It was idyllic. Then everything changed. The school was trying to cut costs and they hired a new set of dinner ladies who served an exclusive menu of sick, snot and teeth. Seriously.

They ruined jam roly-poly for me, serving up a limp, bloated monstrosity, a flabby suet chod with no jam and a teaspoon of weird gritty custard. I can’t say I was surprised to learn (from Wikipedia, obviously) that the pudding is nicknamed ‘dead man’s leg’.

It was a million miles away from proper roly-poly pudding which is truly a thing of beauty. It is also great fun to make and achingly retro so all your cool friends will like it too.

Ingredients (serves 4 – 6)

250g plain flour

100g vegetable suet

25g vegan butter

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 tablespoon unrefined caster sugar

50ml water

6 tablespoons raspberry jam

A little soy milk

2 tablespoons unrefined granulated caster sugar

Vegan custard to serve

1. Preheat the oven to 190°c

2. Place the flour, baking powder and caster sugar in a large bowl. Break the suet and butter into little bits and use your fingers to rub the fat into the flour until it is well combined.

3. Add the water, a little tiny bit at a time, and mix until the pastry holds together and is no longer sticky. You might not need all the water so don’t dump it all in.

4. Place the pastry on a floured worktop and roll it out into a rectangle about the size of an A4 sheet of paper. Dollop the jam into the middle and spread it out, leaving a finger width of pastry free on each side.

5. Brush the jam-less edges with a little milk and fold them in. Brush this border with a little more milk and, starting at the short end, roll the sheet of pastry up. Make sure you squidge the end down firmly.

6. Place the roly-poly on a baking tray and bake for 35 minutes until it is all oozy and crispy and crunchy and gooey. Mmm.

7. Serve with vegan custard.

P.S. Raspberry jam is traditional but don’t restrict yourself. Lemon curd and rhubarb and ginger jam are two good options.

P.P.S. Although this version is baked in the oven, roly-poly pudding is traditionally steamed. For some reason it was usually steamed in an old shirt sleeve. If you do this you’re weird.

Lentils work perfectly in this vegan version and the lovely rich smell of this soup fills the whole house. I think you’ll like it.

Ingredients (get ready, there’s a lot):

1 tablespoon vegan butter

1 medium onion, roughly chopped

1 medium leek, chopped into chunky rounds

1 bulb of fennel, chopped into chunks

1 red pepper, chopped into chunks

1 yellow pepper, chopped into chunks

1 potato, chopped into chunks

1/2 mug red lentils

4 cloves of garlic, minced

4 black peppercorns

4 juniper berries

1 tin chopped tomatoes

1/2 mug red wine

125ml vegetable stock

2 bay leaves

A pinch of saffron

4 springs of fresh thyme

3 tablespoons tomato puree

A little salt and pepper

2 tablespoons lemon juice

A handful of chopped fresh parsley

1. Melt the butter in a large pan and add the vegetables and garlic. Cook gently, stirring occasionally, for 8 minutes.

2. Add the red wine, stock, bay leaves, chopped tomatoes, tomato puree, saffron, and thyme. Place the juniper berries and peppercorns in a tea infuser or muslin bag if you have one and place it in the soup. Otherwise just chuck them in and fish them out later. Cook for 10 minutes then add the lentils.

3. Cook for twenty minutes until the lentils are soft and starting to go thick and mushy. Check it regularly because you may need to add a little extra stock.

4. Remove the bay leaves, peppercorns, juniper berries and thyme sprigs (if you can – otherwise just grub them out as you eat the soup). Stir in the parsley, lemon juice and a little salt and pepper.

5. Serve with some crusty bread.

You may or may not have heard that British scientist Simon Singh is being sued by the British Chiropractic Assosiation. Singh holds that the chiropractic industry has made claims in their literature which are not supported by evidence, in particular claims that chiropractic treatments can cure childhood illnesses such as asthma and ear infections. Singh made these comments in the Guardian and when the British Chiropractic Association were offered the right to reply and present their evidence they took him to court instead.

This case has highlighted a major problem with English libel laws. As the Sense about Science website says, ‘freedom to criticise and question in strong terms and without malice is the cornerstone of scientific argument and debate’. Our current libel laws stifle scientific and journalistic inquiry and discussion. To support libel reform please consider signing the Sense about Science statement here. You can read more about the case here.

Ta.

The thing I love most about British wartime recipes are their deeply unappetising names. These range from the arbitrarily foreign (Mexican Cream, Welsh Wonder) to the totally inexplicable (Coquet pudding, Potato Jane) via the utterly naff (fairy toast, equality pudding). When I read wartime cookery books I imagine some poor beleaguered housewife, up to her thighs in a bucket of tea, muttering “what the screaming fuck are wheatmealies?”

So here is a classic WW2 recipe, Woolton Pie. Only this isn’t really a Woolton pie because Woolton pie is disgusting. Created as a means of keeping the population healthy during rationing, this desperately unpopular dish featured spongy old root veg, oatmeal, and a floppy potato pastry crust.

This version is more like a really good shepherd’s pie, with a rich lentil and vegetable filling and a creamy leek and potato topping.

Ingredients for 4:

2 tablespoon sunflower oil

1 medium onion, diced

2 medium carrots, chopped into small chunks

2-3 sticks of celery, chopped

1 410g tin of green lentils

1 tablespoon flour

1 tablespoon of tomato puree

2 tablespoons rolled oats

250ml of vegetable stock made with a teaspoon of Marmite

1 batch of freshly made mashed potatoes

2 medium leeks, rinsed and cut into rounds.

1 tablespoon vegan butter

2-3 tablespoons vegan yoghurt

3 heaped tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

Salt and pepper

1. Preheat the oven to 190C/375F

2. Heat the sunflower oil in a medium saucepan and add the onions. Cook for around three minutes then stir in the carrots and celery. Cover the pan and cook for around 6 minutes, stirring occasionally.

3. Stir in the flour then pour in the Marmite stock, mix thoroughly, and bring the pan to the boil. Add the lentils, oats, tomato puree and salt and pepper to taste, and simmer the mixture, covered, for 5 minutes. Stir in the parsley.

4. While the filling is cooking, melt the butter in a frying pan and cook the leeks until thet are softened. Stir them into the mashed potato together with the yoghurt.

5. Pour the lentil filling into a casserole dish. Spread the mashed potato and leeks evenly over the top of the filling and place in the oven for 20-25 minutes until the surface of the mashed potato is crispy and brown.

P.S. This is one of those recipes where you can chuck anything in. Mushrooms, chunks of parsnip, courgette, or a chopped tomato or two are all good in the filling. Use up lingering parsnips, sweet potato or swede in the mash and chuck that last little bit of cheezly in too.

And before we get started I want to point out that I’m not making any comments on the ethics of individual companies here (i.e. on animal testing), nor the nutritional rights and wrongs, just products which happen to be vegan. So don’t flame me or put dog shit through my letterbox. Ta.

10. Fry’s peppermint cream. Shame it tastes like arse and makes my teeth hurt.

9. Bourbon biscuits. Most supermarket brands are vegan. Who would have guessed?

8. Jelly tots. Good for decorating cakes.

7. Schwartz bacon bits – my disgusting boyfriend eats handfuls of these when I’m not looking but I can always smell them on his breath.

6. Coco pops – woo.

5. Walkers prawn cocktail crisps. Also (according to their website) roast gammon flavour… has anyone ever seen this? Sounds a bit mental.

4. Opal fruits. Or, as the cool kids are calling them, Starburst.

3. Murray mints. I love crunching these little bastards. Apparently there is a magical place in London which does a Murray Mint cocktail, what a great idea.

2. Mr Kipling Jam Tarts – and most of the supermarket jam tarts too. A tasty treat for the vegan in your life

1. Beef and tomato pot noodle. I’ve dissed pot noodes before but I can’t deny I’ve got a bit of a soft spot for them. In a way I feel that their time has passed and, seeing as they are never going to be truly popular again, I have a duty to support them. A bit like the National Trust. I ate one this evening and I have to admit it made me feel dirty. Good dirty.